Tired of Being Too Nice (or Too Blunt)? Try This Communication Hack

Let’s be real: one of the hardest parts of college isn’t exams, 8 a.m. classes, or the dining hall food—it’s dealing with people. Professors, roommates, friends, teammates… at some point, you’ll need to speak up for yourself. And if you’re like most of us, that either comes out way too passive (“it’s fine, don’t worry about it…”) or a little too spicy (“CAN YOU NOT?!”).

Enter DEAR MAN—a super practical skill from DBT (a type of therapy) that basically gives you a script for asking for what you need without being pushy or a doormat.

So, what’s DEAR MAN?

It’s an acronym (because college = acronyms). Here’s the breakdown with an example:

D – Describe
State the facts, no drama.
“Hey, the music’s been playing past midnight the last few nights…”

E – Express
Say how it affects you.
“…and I’m having trouble falling asleep.”

A – Assert
Ask clearly for what you want (no hinting).
“Could you lower the volume after 11?”

R – Reinforce
Show how it helps both of you.
“That way I won’t be grumpy, and we’ll both have a better morning.”

M – Mindful
Stay on track. Don’t let the convo spiral into “well YOU never wash dishes.”

A – Appear Confident
Even if you’re nervous, fake it till you make it. Sit up straight, make eye contact, keep your voice steady.

N – Negotiate
Be flexible if needed.
“If you really need music late, maybe headphones could work?”

Why should you care?

• Roommates: Setting boundaries without turning your dorm into a war zone.

• Professors: Asking for help or clarification without feeling like a pest.

• Friends/Partners: Talking about plans, money, or boundaries without guilt-tripping.

• Group Projects: Making sure you’re heard without steamrolling everyone.

Pro-Tips for Using DEAR MAN

• Write out your “script” before tough convos.

• Practice with small asks first (“Can we meet at 2 instead of 1?”).

• Remember: assertive ≠ rude. You’re just being clear.

The Takeaway

College is a crash course in dealing with all kinds of people. DEAR MAN gives you a roadmap so you don’t freeze up, lash out, or just give in. Basically, it helps you get your needs met and keep your relationships intact.

Want a deeper dive into DEAR MAN? Listen to this microdose episode on the skill.