Purpose Over Pressure: Building Values, Not “Shoulds”
"College is a really good space for you to have reflection about what you’e been told, and then find out what exactly your values are." -Ali, University of Richmond
College is full of surprises. You probably pictured endless fun, amazing friendships, and exciting freedom. And while those moments definitely happen, college also brings lonely nights, tough choices, and way more responsibility than you expected.
Here's the thing: having clear values makes all the difference.
What Are Values, Really?
When I ask college students about their values, I often get confused looks. That's totally normal! Most of us have never really thought about what values actually are.
Values are simple: They're what you give out when you're being your best self. They guide how you act and the choices you make.
Think of values like food preferences. There's no "right" or "wrong" favorite pizza topping. Some people love pineapple, others think that’s gross. Values work the same way - they're personal to you.
The Values Paradox: What Happens When Your Values Butt Heads?
Here's something that trips up a lot of college students: you can't use all your values at the same time.
Picture your values living on a sphere. As the sphere rotates, different values come to the front. Sometimes caution is most important (like when deciding whether to walk alone at night). Other times, adventure takes the lead (like when choosing whether to study abroad).
This creates what we call "values conflicts." Ever been stuck between being kind and being honest? Both are great values, but sometimes you can't do both at once.
Values vs. "Shoulds": Spotting the Difference
Here's where things get tricky. Sometimes what we think are our values are actually "shoulds" - pressure from others about what we're supposed to want.
Common college "shoulds":
"I should go to college right after high school."
“I should respect others regardless of how I’m treated.”
"I should be social and outgoing."
"I should know what I want to major in."
"I should party to fit in."
Real values feel different. They feel authentic to who you are, not who others expect you to be.
When Your Values Get Tested
Patrick from Villanova shared a perfect example of values in action.
“During orientation week, everyone was going out to party but my roommate was kinda quiet and didn’t want to go. I had told him I’d hang out, but then a friend asked me to meet up with him.” -Patrick, Villanova
Patrick had a choice:
Go out and potentially make new friends (connection) OR stay in and make sure his roommate wasn't alone (kindness).
He chose kindness. They watched a movie instead. He went out the next night.
Here's the key: Acting on your values might feel hard sometimes, but it's the "good’ kind of hard that helps you grow. It's different from the frustrated, stuck feeling you get when you're acting on "shoulds."
Practical Tips for Discovering Your Values
1. Pay attention to your gut reactions
When you feel proud of a choice you made, ask yourself: "What value was I acting on?"
2. Notice when you feel conflicted
Stuck between two choices? You might have competing values. Figure out which one should lead this time.
3. Question your "shoulds"
If you feel like you "should" want something, dig deeper. Is it really your value, or someone else's expectation?
4. Remember values can shift
Your values might change priority based on the situation. That's healthy growth, not being inconsistent.
The Bottom Line
College is the perfect time to discover what really matters to you. You'll face new situations that test what you believe in. Some values will get stronger. Others might fade. New ones might emerge.
The goal isn't to have “perfect” values. It's to know what yours are so they can guide your choices instead of letting anxiety, pressure, or "shoulds" take the wheel.
This post is based on Episode 1 of the R.E.A.C.H. Toolkit series from the College is Fine Podcast. Listen to the full episode for more insights from Dr. Sarah Olivo, Dr. Liz Seidler, and real college students, or watch the full R.E.A.C.H. Toolkit presentation on our YouTube channel.
