A few weeks into the semester, the excitement of move-in starts to fade, and a new question shows up: am I doing this wrong?
This is the time of year we start hearing about roommate trouble, friendships that aren't clicking, and students wondering whether to drop a class, switch dorms or transfer altogether. So we invited someone who hears these questions every day.
Suzanne Hanna is a life coach for college girls and the founder of Suzanne Hanna Coaching. She spent 25 years in education, mostly as a public high school assistant principal, before starting her business two years ago to support girls through college and the high school-to-college transition. If you're a college student or the parent of one, you may already know her from Instagram, where her practical, upbeat advice has built a supportive community of moms and daughters. Here are the main points from our conversation.
1. There's no "right" way to do college
Suzanne keeps a notebook of patterns she hears from her clients. Last week's most common question was, "Am I doing college right?" Her answer: of course you are, because there's no right way. There's only your way.
The disappointment often comes from the story students have been told. Social media and well-meaning adults promise the time of your life, instant best friends, future bridesmaids. Then reality hits: a tiny shared room, dining hall food, noise, no sleep and a cold that won't go away.
It's also normal that some first friendships don't last. That isn't because anything is wrong with anyone. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. And by this point in the semester, roommates' true colors have usually come out, including the ones who weren't fully honest on the roommate-matching app.
High-achieving girls in particular tend to blame themselves when college doesn't match the dream. Suzanne borrowed a line from her daughter's horse trainer to describe them: horses are herd animals that just don't want to get in trouble. Students are the same. They want to do the right thing, so when things feel off, they assume the problem is them.
2. Wherever you go, there you are
This is Suzanne's favorite quotation, and she uses it whenever a student hits what she calls the "transfer button." Before deciding a school was the wrong choice, she helps students slow down, unpack what's actually making them unhappy and take small steps to feel better where they are.
She's seen how much the phrase sticks with this age group. While teaching English at Salem Academy, an all-girls boarding school in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, she shared it with a nervous senior. That student, the class president, went on to quote it in her graduation speech.
We added that this is really a question of whether to adapt or advocate. There isn't always one right answer. But a different roommate or a new school won't remove the need to navigate conflict, talk to professors or build friendships. Those skills travel with you.
3. Self-advocacy is a new skill, so start small
In high school, students are surrounded by reminders and support: teachers, parents, coaches and counselors all keep things on track. Even the most successful students may never have had to advocate for themselves.
Suzanne suggests starting at the simplest level. Get to know the person at the front desk of your dorm. Say good morning, ask how their day is going, give a compliment. Then, when you get locked out and need a new key card, you're asking someone you already know.
4. Moms: it's time to trust your daughter
Phones have made it easy for students to text a parent about every uncomfortable moment, from a confusing chemistry problem to a smelly lab partner. At the same time, parents adjusting to an empty nest feel a strong pull to help and fix.
Suzanne often hears from moms on Instagram whose daughters have the "dorm flu" and a "crunchy cough." Her advice: if your daughter has seen a doctor and has her medication, she knows what to do. Remind her that she knows how to make good decisions. Her choices may not be the ones you'd make, but you can support her anyway, and help her adjust if something goes wrong.
Many moms, she says, trust their daughters already. They've just never had to show it. Hearing someone else say "you can trust her" is often all it takes.
We learn by making mistakes, and the lessons students learn for themselves tend to stick far better than repeated warnings. Suzanne notes that today's students are especially afraid of mistakes because they can become public so quickly, with a phone always ready to capture them. Working through that fear is a big part of building confidence.
5. Imagine your future self and leave no stone unturned
When a student is thinking about transferring, Suzanne asks her to picture herself already on the new campus, looking back. What would she wish she'd tried? Which office hours, study groups or clubs would she regret skipping? Who would she wish she'd talked to?
Often the answer becomes the next step. A student who says she'd regret not joining the hiking club is encouraged to join it now. A student who'd like to know the funny classmate from econ might invite her to grab a drink after class and review notes. More often than not, the answer is yes.
In Suzanne's view, there aren't good colleges and bad colleges. With some effort, almost any campus can be a wonderful place to find your way.
6. Speak up kindly, then give it time
Why do students stay stuck in uncomfortable roommate situations? Suzanne says it comes down to fear: of being wrong, of making someone mad and of how the other person will react. Many students haven't had much practice with the give-and-take of hard conversations.
She encourages girls to make it about their own experience: "It makes me uncomfortable when your boyfriend stays over six out of seven nights." As a therapist once told Suzanne's faculty, how you feel is never up for debate. You can't control how a roommate responds, but you can share your feelings without blaming anyone.
The other person may go quiet or react badly at first, and that's okay. We pointed out that a defensive reaction doesn't mean you communicated poorly. People need time to process, and it's fine to come back to the conversation later.
To help clients follow through, Suzanne gives them dares and "not homework." She'll dare a student to bring the issue up again and text her afterward. In psychology, we'd call that a behavioral experiment. Either way, the student learns something true about the situation and builds confidence along the way.
7. Learn to "do hard better"
Sarah shared an idea she recently heard from a basketball coach: many people wait for things to get easier, whether that's a better roommate or a new school. But hard things don't go away. Instead, you learn to work harder. Every conversation and challenge in college is practice for the next one.
The bottom line
The thread running through this conversation is that girls' feelings matter, and they can be expressed with kindness. Whether it's a moldy dish or a more serious boundary being crossed, speaking up is good practice, no matter how the other person responds.
We asked Suzanne what she'd want an overwhelmed, high-achieving college girl to take away. Her answer: trust your intuition. Deep down, you know what you need. What you need is what you need, and you don't have to justify it, make excuses or push it down. Her favorite moment with clients comes afterward, when a girl realizes, "I'm so much stronger than I thought I was."
Thank you, Suzanne, for your warmth, your practical wisdom and the community you've built for moms and daughters.
Listen to the full episode of College Is Fine, Everything's Fine below, and find Suzanne Hanna Coaching on Instagram (follow her @suzannehannacoaching)
